Whenever I develop feelings for somebody, my mind always ends up a really fucked up place. I do not understand at all. Right now my chest feels ridiculously heavy for no reason and my mind feels stressed. I have absolutely no reason to be, there is nothing for me to even be worried about at this stage. Things haven’t even progressed over the 12 year old crush stage and at the moment he doesn’t have a fucking clue. I’ve posted a few photo’s on my other tumblr that may possibly help him to work it out but i’m not willing to tell him. We’re getting drunk together on Tuesday, so maybe i’ll confess it all then and then act like I was fucked if he thinks i’m a dick. I dunno. He’s madly in love with his ex so I know that right now isn’t the right time. I don’t really know what to do. If I don’t act upon it i’ll feel like shit, if I do act upon it and it goes wrong i’ll feel like shit. I can’t win. Fuck life sometimes.

There are many things that I should be doing right now. This, not being one of them. Once again I have allowed the amount of university work due at the end of term pile up, and once again I am suffering immensely. I’ll get through it though, I just need to start putting in the time and effort throughout the entire term, rather than just at the end.

In other news, I have met an amazing boy. He’s like me, in every possibly way. I’ve never had so many things in common with somebody before, not even my ex that I dated for sixteen months. I’m not going to name him, just encase the wrong person finds my Tumblr and feels the need to tell the world (although the chances of this are happening are extremely slim, i’m still not willing to risk it). Now this boy, lets call him CJ. He is, as said, like nobody I have ever met. He can make me laugh in ways nobody else can. He’s one of those people which are impossible to be mad at, and even though I’ve only known him for a month or so, i’m yet to find the slightest reason to dislike him. Not a single thing about him turns me away. In saying this I have a rule - Never date anybody younger than you - and of course, CJ just has to be in the grade below me. He’s born in 1992 (same as myself), just at the opposite end of the year, so I suppose thats not quite breaking the rule, is it? Either way, I am falling for him majorly. 

One major problem: he is still madly in love with his ex girlfriend. Not only did they not split up by choice (she’s in Germany for a year and he in Australia), but they also plan to get back together upon her return. I know that there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it and I know that I can’t compare to her in any way, but still, it fucking sucks. I have a very strong feeling that we’re going to hook up in the near future though, and so I’m scared that its going to be meaningless sex and not what I want it to be. I don’t know whether i’m willing to just ‘hook up’ and never get anywhere, but then at the same time I don’t want to be with somebody who’s in love with somebody else.

I really don’t know, its an extremely fucked up circumstance and my life 100% sucks because of it. I guess we’ll just see what happens. 

i am creating this blog solely for my writing. no, not creative writing as such. writing in the form of personal writings. like a diary somewhat. a place where i can express my feelings and thoughts without feeling pressured to abide by certain rules. a place where nobody i know personally can read what i have to say. where my thoughts will be kept private, the way that they should be. enjoy.